Two years into my twenties and I'm still single.
Better yet, five years into college and there's still no relationship. In many ways not having a guy in my life plays a huge part in where I'm at right now. But the truth is, it's not just about my relationship status. For three or so weeks I've really been struggling with singleness and with my purpose. Maybe a better way of saying it is that I've been struggling with life. A little dramatic, yes. But let's face it, life is good, but it's hard too.
There are a few realities when it comes to being single and living alone. You grocery shop on your own, you cook and eat all of your meals alone, you have to suck it up and kill scary bugs on your own, you don't talk about your day with anyone most evenings, you spend a lot of time on social media, and you get incredibly excited for the weekend so that you can finally see friends.
I absolutely love living alone, but being single not so much. Even though I didn't choose it I'm incredible thankful for being single throughout college. I learned to find joy in my creator, joy in my friends, and joy from doing the very things that I love. It was challenging, but ultimately great for maturing and growing. They key word though is was.
Quite frankly, I'm tired of being challenged in this area. I'm tired of repeating the same christian-like truths. I know that I should be content in my relationship with God without a man, I know that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, and I know that God has a plan for me. What I don't know is when I will get to experience the joy of inviting a man into my walk with the Lord.
Today at church I was challenged to write down the top five things that I feel I need to obtain before becoming an adult. My five things?
1. Budgeting my $
2. Getting better at confrontation
3. Learning to manage stress better
4. Figuring out my future, my purpose
5. Finding a man
Even after re-listing these five things now, I'm still posed with the question "When will I get to experience the joy of inviting a man into my walk with the Lord?"
For me, becoming an adult goes hand in hand with figuring out what I want to do with my future. Right now I'm completing a 12-week hospital rotation as a part of my dietetic internship. Up until this point, medical nutrition was my plan. It was my go-to, and my goal per say. The last few weeks have been so hard for me because I'm struggling with getting excited about work. I find my self wishing the rotation was over, and wishing that I didn't have to go in every morning.
After spending a summer abroad and falling in love a second time with South Asia I can't help but doubt where it is that I'm supposed to be. Did I like being overseas so much simply because it was easier then dealing with the stresses of life here? Or, did I fall in love with it because I finally saw and experienced something that I truly cared about and because for the first time I felt totally and completely "in my element"? I found so much joy this summer in loving people and in being a light to women who have lost hope because of the awful reality of sex-trafficking. The reality of my experience at the hospital right now has been stressful, challenging, and just "okay". It's obvious which brings me more joy, but it's also obvious which one I trust the Lord more with.
The reality is, regardless of which I "liked" better I need to take both to the Lord equally.
The big question:
How do you identify the difference between faithfully following Jesus and going where He leads you, as compared to simply running away from something that's challenging?
Also, how do I decide on my future when there is an underlying feeling of wanting to invite a guy into that decision? I don't want a guy just because I think it will make these struggles go away (they won't), but because I think that there is something beautiful about learning to trust God and follow his direction within the context of a relationship.
I so badly want to invite a guy into my "list". I want to invite a guy into my 20s. Not only are these areas that I need to improve in as I become an adult, but they are areas where I desperately need Christ more. I need to learn to budget my money better, I need to get better at being assertive and handling confrontation, I need to learn to cope with stress without turning to food, and I need to prayerfully consider what next year looks like for me.
Even through writing this it's clear that single or not single, I need to be taking all of these to Jesus. I need to be trusting that His plans are far better than mine, and that He loves me far more than I could ever imagine.
I want to be living in light of the Gospel every single day.
I want to be filled with joy despite doubt, despite uncertainty of my next year, and despite my relationship status.